What’s the difference between being accountable versus being the “hero” in the drama triangle?
Last Friday I chose to cancel my planned vacation this week in order to help my peer team prepare for a review. The story I told myself was that I’m an accountable person, and accountable people don’t let the team down. There’s a lot of work to do. I could improve the odds of a stronger review by being at work and taking on load.
It wasn’t until today that it occurred to me that I might be in drama; specifically playing the “hero” role (also called the “rescuer” role). The “hero” role seeks temporary relief.
The upside is that leaders are accountable, and by doing the work a “hero” learns and improves their skills and experience. The downside is that by taking responsibility on themselves, “heros” prevent others from learning.
Canceling my vacation means I’m preventing the group, and the people in it, from some learning. This kind of behavior, repeated over time, prevents the team from getting stronger.
As a thought exercise, I asked myself what I’d want to happen if the roles were reversed. If a teammate were scheduled for vacation, would I want them to cancel it to help? I don’t think I would, but maybe that’s the “hero” role talking again 🤣
Life is complex. It’s not black and white. By canceling vacation I’m being accountable and a team player. But I’m also not holding my own boundaries and I’m preventing a larger group from learning.
Since I already made the commitment, I’ll be working this week.
I did create a new awareness in myself and I won’t be so quick to cancel vacation in the future. (By the way, I wasn’t traveling anywhere for vacation - it was just time off work. I wouldn’t have canceled my plans if it was a family getaway!)
I’m curious about unraveling these kinds of thorny issues. Are you navigating a tough one yourself? I’d love to hear about it; email me at heykev@kevinnoble.xyz
Kevin
A Quote
“
If you are not in control of your thoughts, then you are not in control of yourself. Without self-control, you have no real power, regardless of whatever else you accomplish. If you are not aware of the thoughts that you think in each moment, then you are the rider with no reins, with no power over where you are going. You cannot control what you are not aware of. Awareness must come first.
— Thomas M. Sterner in "The Practicing Mind"
Three Things
1 - 📝 Kokuyo Notepads - I love these Japanese notebooks and use them for all of my work projects. I use the B5 size, which is about 10x7 inches (252x179 mm). The soft ring binding means I can flip it over and fold it flat, so it doesn’t take up too much space. I use the different color covers to differentiate between projects. The ink I use doesn’t bleed through the sheets. The link is to an example on Amazon, but here’s their official store.
2 - 🛩️ Air Taxi Startup in San Francisco - A company named Archer is working on building a network of sites in the San Francisco area for flying taxis. The company builds electric VTOL planes, which means they can quietly launch from a helicopter pad, as opposed to needing a full runway. Hello 10 minute ride, goodbye two hour drive. Unsurprisingly, no mention of price 😀 Good luck to them!
3 - ⚫️ 96,000,000 Shade Balls - As someone fighting algae in our fish tank, this video about using black shade balls in a Los Angeles water reservoir was interesting to me. They use the shade balls to prevent sunlight from causing a carcinogenic chemical reaction in the drinking water. It’s weird to drive a boat through these millions of balls.
Deeper Dive on Acta Non Verba
It’s important that you take action, not just talk about taking action.
The Latin phrase “acta non verba” comes to us by way of Stoic philosophy, and means “deeds not words.”
It’s a central concept in Stoicism because that philosophy focused on the application of being a better person, not just talking about being a better person.
While the Stoics may not be the inventors of this idea, they are part of the lineage that continues today; you might be more familiar with the common saying in English, of “actions speak louder than words.”
Any idea that’s been around for more than two thousand years is worth diving into.
Today I’ll share why acta non verba is such a powerful idea, how it has implications to strategy work and personal development - even how it connects to love ❤️
Let’s get started!
How and why actions work
Since the core idea in acta non verba is about taking action, let’s look at some of the ways actions work!
Actions Develop Habits
Habits are actions that you do repeatedly over time. But a habit can’t get started until you take the first action. It’s not talking about the task that creates the outcome, it’s performing the task that creates the outcome.
"Habits are the compound interest of self-improvement. The same way that money multiplies through compound interest, the effects of your habits multiply as you repeat them. They seem to make little difference on any given day and yet the impact they deliver over the months and years can be enormous. It is only when looking back two, five, or perhaps ten years later that the value of good habits and the cost of bad ones becomes strikingly apparent."
When I got my first job out of college I was aware of the concept of investing, but had no practical knowledge. The company’s HR department had something about a 401k, and I had a million questions. What is this? How does it work? Taxes?! How much do I need to save? What if it goes down? Should I split the money into multiple investments? (plus many more!)
Instead of getting analysis paralysis, I just got started. I allocated 1% of my paycheck towards my 401k and learned by doing. I answered all my questions over time, and meanwhile my balance had been growing. If I’d done it the other way around, I may never have invested, and if I did, I’d be starting at a disadvantage.
There are tons of examples we could choose from:
- You can read about music theory and techniques, but unless you practice playing the instrument regularly, you won’t improve. - You can research gym equipment, but unless you actually lift weights, you’re not going to get stronger. - You can plan out a beautiful garden, but you won’t eat unless you start planting seeds.
You can't eat your dreams!
Actions Cause Feelings
Feeling follows action. If you want to change how you feel, you’ve got to change how you act. Some people won’t work out unless they’re feeling good - but it’s the working out that causes you to feel good!
Also, love is an act. Do you want to create greater feelings of love? Be loving. Love isn’t a static feeling; it’s cultivated through actions.
Perform an act of service for your partner. Give a gift. Show them you’re thinking about them, don’t just say that you are. Show them you love them, don’t just say, “I love you.”
It’s performing the action that creates the feeling in your body, not the other way around.
Actions are Expensive
Words are cheap, so they’re easy to change on a whim. Actions take work, so they are much more expensive. It’s the actions you want to pay attention to. And integrity is when those words and actions are in alignment.
A leader might say they value teamwork, but then they might create silos, reward individual heroics, or other actions that prevent or dismiss teamwork.
This lack of integrity will be noticed by the team. Soon the leader loses trust because it’s what the leader does, not what the leader says, that matters to the team.
The lack of integrity is often not malicious! It can come from a blind spot. Or not noticing that their actions are creating outcomes inconsistent with their intent. We’re all subject to a breakdown of integrity, even if we’re good people trying our best.
Focus on your actions, and the impact of your actions, since these are the things your team will respond to. Create integrity in your words and deeds.
Actions build momentum in strategy work
Most strategy work is complex by nature. You have customers, a team, delivery partners, and any number of other issues to deal with. And all of the people involved are not static! They’re agents in the world and are changing their actions based on their environment.
That means that there’s no amount of planning that will solve complexity. The bigger the issue, the longer it takes to plan. The longer it takes the plan, the more likely your plan becomes out of date.
The way to solve complexity is by getting started. Don’t try to perfect your strategy in advance. Just get going. Reduce the number of variables by locking some things in place.
"Complex challenges require innovative responses. These are the confounding head-scratchers with no right answers, only best attempts. There is no straight line to a solution, and you can only know that you’ve found an effective strategy in retrospect. Your complex challenges are never really solved; you grope your way forward and see how it goes."
Once you get moving, you’re creating small wins. You and your team are surmounting small problems. Humans like to win! These small wins create momentum and a self-fulfilling prophecy towards your ultimate goal.
If you find yourself doing strategy work and all you’re doing it talking, find an area where you can build momentum and reduce variables by taking action.
Personal growth and goal setting
If you want to improve, it’s not talking about improving that gets you there. You have to put yourself in the arena, get practice, and take action.
Want to be more patient? Put yourself in situations where you have to be patient. Wait in line. Deal with difficult people. It may not be fun, but it’s doing the work that’ll get you where you want to be.
Paying in pennies? Practice patience.
Acta non verba is also why each of these newsletters ends in a call to action. The rest of the deep dive has ideas, but it’s only when you, the reader, put them to work that they cause impact.
Acta non verba can also be applied to goal setting. In personal lives people often express a goal as a desire. “I want to be more fit.” “I want to eat better.”
Wanting something doesn’t get you closer to your goal.
Instead, turn your goals into action. Instead of “I want to be more fit,” try, “I will be more fit by running for five minutes.” Or “I will get stronger by doing 15 pushups.”
While five minutes of running or 15 pushups won’t change your physique in one go, they are the first step in creating a habit and building momentum.
Bringing it all together
It’s important that you take action, not just talk about taking action.
Actions are powerful because they develop habits, they cause feelings, and they’re expensive to do.
You have to take the first action to get any habit started, and habits are “the compound interest of self-improvement.”
Feelings follow action. Change your behavior to induce a feeling.
Since words are cheap, focus on your actions and the impact of your actions. Keep both of them in integrity
Actions build momentum in strategy work. Create small wins to build a flywheel of action. Reduce the number of variables in your problem by solving smaller problems.
If you want to improve, it’s not talking about improving that gets you there. You have to put yourself in the arena, get practice, and take action.
Don’t just wish for your goals, turn them into actions that will get you there.
Call to action
It’s time to put the idea of action into action 🤣
Is there anything you’ve been complaining about that you could solve through action?
Where could you practice being the person you want to be?
Are you and your team talking about a strategy problem for too long? What’s an action you could take to build momentum?
Whatever it was that resonated with you today, take action. Put your words into work. Build the habits and momentum to make progress on your goals.
As always, let me know how it’s going. What resonated with you? What have you tried? Are you having trouble figuring out what to do? Let me know at heykev@kevinnoble.xyz.
Kevin
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