You need honest mirrors

You need honest mirrors in your life.

An honest mirror is someone who will reflect you back on yourself without distortion. Someone who cares for you, so will tell it to you straight. The simplest example is food in your teeth. You want people in your life who will tell you! You don’t want to spend all day flashing spinach between your incisors.

The opposite of an honest mirror is a funhouse mirror. A person who distorts reality. Someone who tells you what you want to hear, or what the giver wants you to hear - neither of which is necessarily true.

I was first introduced to this framing by Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen in their book, Thanks for the Feedback. Humans have an interesting duality; we want to loved and appreciated as we are, but we also strive to improve ourselves. We need balance in our lives. We need the care and nurturing to feel supported. But we also need accurate information in order to improve.

We all need empathy and encouragement—supportive mirrors. But we also need clear and accurate information—honest mirrors.

— Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen, “Thanks for the Feedback”

Clear and accurate information is important for your brand (see: spinach in teeth) and for your growth as a person. You learn through feedback. If the feedback is absent or distorted you can’t grow as well or as fast. If the feedback is present and honest, you have the raw materials to fuel your growth.

Honest mirrors are helpful in all aspects of life! You need mirrors at work and at home. You need them when you’re with your friends, colleagues, family, etc.; anywhere you want to improve yourself.

As with most things that are good for you, it’s not always easy. The biggest hindrance is going to be your ego. Your ego’s job is to protect you, and it’ll definitely do it here. Your ego may have you ignore honest feedback. It may have you push back and challenge feedback. Both things, done frequently enough, will drive your honest mirrors away.

Another hindrance, and just as with a real mirror, is that sometimes we just don’t like what we see! We don’t always want to be aware of, or work on, ourselves. There are a few things to remember here: - No one is perfect. Give yourself grace. - You don’t have to act on all feedback. - Maybe you’re full up on accurate feedback and can stop it with mirrors for a bit 🙂

To that last point, remember that an honest mirror is not an asshole! There is such a thing as too much feedback. You don’t need someone following you around all day pointing out every imperfection. Ugh.

What you want is candor. You want someone who loves you enough to tell you the truth, but whose love allows them to deliver feedback in a targeted way, in service of what you need. Not in service of making you feel bad.

Giving honest feedback is tricky, because it can easily result in people feeling hurt or demoralized. One useful distinction, made most clearly at Pixar, is to aim for candor and avoid brutal honesty. By aiming for candor—feedback that is smaller, more targeted, less personal, less judgmental, and equally impactful—it’s easier to maintain a sense of safety and belonging in the group.

— Daniel Coyle, “The Culture Code”

Let me share a quick personal example before closing out with a call to action.

An example of an honest mirror for me comes from Crossfit. Coaches are often great honest mirrors! When doing any of the Olympic lifts with a heavy load, like the clean, I’ll specifically call my coach over to come watch me on a few reps. I make sure they know my goals and ask them to assess my form. They can take a video and play it back for me.

They might look at my form and say, “No, don’t do that. The bar is coming out too far. Keep it close to your body until the hip hinge.” Then I say, “Great, thanks for the feedback” and try the adjustment on the next rep.

In Crossfit, where the outcome is easily measured, it’s obvious that you can’t hit bigger goals if you don’t have someone honestly assess your form! If I kept repeating my mistake because I was afraid to know, or the coach was afraid it would make me feel bad, I’d be robbed of growth and my lift form wouldn’t get better.

I strive to minimize the impact my own ego has and have all my feedback interactions be similar to those with my Crossfit coach; straightforward and honest and low drama.

Now that we know so much about honest mirrors, let’s talk about how we can apply this knowledge this week.

If you currently have an honest mirror in your life, make sure you let them know you care about and appreciate them! Ask them for feedback if there’s something you might need to adjust.

If you don’t have an honest mirror in your life, do something to cultivate a relationship toward that direction. If there’s someone you know with good judgment, call them over - just like a Crossfit coach - and specifically request some feedback.

Good luck! Please share your anecdotes with me. I’d love to hear the impact and honest mirror has had on you.

Thanks!

Kevin