Are you giving all three types of feedback?

Welcome to the “The Catalyst,” Kevin Noble’s weekly newsletter about becoming a more effective leader.

Past newsletters can be found online here.

If you find this content helpful, please forward this to a friend!

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We are now into year two of The Catalyst newsletter! Last year on August 9th I published the very first newsletter: A Fish Climbing a Tree.

Thank you for being a subscriber; it means a lot to me! Your time is precious and I work hard to fill it with valuable information and insights. 😄

When I launched that first newsletter I had no idea what would happen next or how long I’d do it for.

It turns out that I love writing the newsletter and have no plans to stop ❤️

If you’re curious, here’s the last year by the numbers:
‣ I’ve sent 47 newsletters.
‣ The median newsletter is 2,148 words long.
‣ Each newsletter takes me about four hours to write.
‣ I’ve written over 96,000 words during the year. That’s a 320 page book! 📖
‣ I’ve spent 180 hours writing, plus countless others reading and researching.
‣ $0 in total income. This remains something I do for free.

One of the ways I’d like to celebrate is by getting your feedback! How am I doing? What would make it more valuable? Is there anything you’d like me to write about?

​The link to the single-page, seven-question, survey is here. No questions are marked as required; complete as few or as many as you’d like. Your name and email are not required to submit.

Please fill it out and let me know what you think about The Catalyst!

Thanks!

Kevin 🥳

The August Leadership Ruck in Austin has a date! I’ll be moving it to Sunday throughout the fall because youth football/cheer will be taking up my Saturdays.

If you’re in Austin, come join me for some light exercise. We’ll get off screens, be out in nature, and talk bidness. Last month was a lot of fun!

​Details and sign up here.

Date: Sunday, August 18th
​Time: 11:00-12:30
​Location: Austin, TX (see details in the invite) ​
Route: 3.5 miles

A Quote

“ Remember that every story has another side. Wisdom is the ability to see both sides and weigh them appropriately. — Ray Dalio in “Principles”

Three Things

1 – 📘 “Creating Great Choices” by Jennifer Riel and Roger Martin – How often do you make a choice versus taking one of the paths in front of you? This book shows a way to create great choices by integrating different models. It’s common in decisions to have two camps form on either extreme. Instead of choosing one or the other, work to create new choices that integrate the best portions of those extremes. This, of course, is more difficult, but can create even better outcomes.

2 – 🦋 Monarch – How do you track your spending? Back in the day I was a Microsoft Money person and was sad the day they discontinued it. I used Mint and YNAB after that. I’ve been experimenting with Monarch Money for almost a year now and enjoy it. It’s really great for couples; each person has an independent login, you can flag transactions for review, plus all their other normal reporting features. Oh, and there are Sankey diagrams – one of my favorite chart styles 🙂 (here’s a referral link if you’d like; you get an extended free trial)

3 – 🤖 AI Investment Advice from Sarah Guo – Sarah Guo is the Founder of Conviction, and was previously at Greylock. This podcast episode between her and Patrick O’Shaughnessey on Invest Like the Best was full of good information on how she thinks about investing in different AI companies. A lot of folks are trying to figure out AI right now, as entrepreneurs and investors!

Deeper Dive on a Model for Feedback and Feedback Triggers

Thinking about feedback for this newsletter’s one year anniversary got me inspired for this week’s deep dive topic; feedback.

It’s very common to hear about “feedback.” Get better at giving “feedback.” Get better at receiving “feedback.”

Using a single word isn’t a helpful starting place!

Feedback is more nuanced and rich than a single word!

Today I’m going to break down feedback into a model of three components; appreciation, coaching, and evaluation. Knowing these components can ensure you’re delivering all three to others, or aware of when you’re missing one that you need to receive!

I’ll also explore three common triggers in receiving feedback that block us from hearing it.

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A Model to Decompose “Feedback”

There are many ways to think about feedback, but I like using the one I first read about in “Thanks for the Feedback” by Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen.

The authors break down feedback into three forms. I’ll let them explain the forms in their own words:

Can you see the difference in all three? Can you think of examples where you’ve received each one of the three?

Let’s explore each form of feedback individually to understand how they work as a group.

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Appreciation

Appreciation is the language of human connection, and it’s a critical piece of the overall feedback picture.

When you tell your employee how grateful you are for their contribution to the project, that’s appreciation. When you recognize and compliment your employee’s strengths, that’s appreciation.

Appreciation is very motivating! Who doesn’t love to hear how great they are? Who doesn’t love to be seen?

It’s also really easy for leaders to leave this out of their repertoire. Time is often very short. There are projects to discuss! Problems to solve! Updates to give!

Ignoring appreciation is like ignoring exercise; it’s fine in the short term, but you’re going to have problems later.

Trust me, I know! I’m getting better, but this has been a blind spot for me. I’ve been the harried leader with no time between meetings. I’ve been the one with tight deadlines and little room for error. As a result, I tended to focus on what needed to get better, not what was already going well.

I knew how grateful I felt, and how much I appreciated others, but they didn’t know if I didn’t share it.

Not appreciating someone feels exactly the same to the other person as appreciating them but not sharing it.

Can you imagine if your partner never appreciated you? After a while you’re going to wonder whether you should be in a new relationship.

You don’t want that thought entering your employee’s minds. Don’t ignore appreciation. Spread the love.

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Coaching

Coaching is a focus on helping someone improve.

Why do athletes hire coaches? They want to improve.

As a leader, you’re responsible for the development of the people around you. Coaching is a key part of the job!

Coaches are all around us, even if they don’t have a formal coach title. Remember those “idiots” from You have the most the learn from idiots? They’re coaches, too! They’re pointing out a potential blind spot or new perspective that would help you improve.

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Evaluation

Evaluation tells you where your performance stands in the organization. It often comes in the form of a rating or ranking. You’re meeting expectations. Or you’re the third-best salesperson. Or you’ve won the gold medal! 🥇

Evaluation needs to be handled with care because it can be fraught for many reasons.

First, our egos are on edge. We love good evaluations and hate negative ones, but we don’t know where we stand until we hear the actual evaluation. That’s stressful.

Second, there are consequences to evaluation – both good and bad. For a strong evaluation you might get extra compensation or reward. For a weak evaluation, you might get reduced compensation, or even be out of a job.

Third, there’s the story that goes along with the evaluation. A negative assessment isn’t just a negative assessment – we often hear, or supply, our own story alongside it. We’re bad. We never succeed. We’re a loser. And worse! Those stories can cause stress.

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How the Forms Work Together

The forms of feedback don’t work well in a silo. They need to go together.

If all you give is appreciation, you’re robbing someone of opportunity to develop. You may even create a problem at the annual review time because you haven’t let them know where they stand.

If all you give is coaching, it can be stressful to the employee because they don’t know where they stand. A performance improvement plan (PIP) and getting ready for the next promotion level look very similar from a coaching lens. If you don’t give evaluation alongside coaching, your employees don’t know which side of the coin they’re on!

If all you give is evaluation – even if it’s a positive ranking – that’s like working for a robot. Without appreciation and coaching, humans don’t flourish.

Since each form of feedback serves an important role in human development, they need to go together. They do not have to be present in every feedback conversation, but over time they need to be in balance. As a leader, keep an eye on whether any one is deficient.

As an employee, be self-aware and ask for what you need. I’ve done this to my own boss. I was getting a lot of coaching and started getting nervous about what that might imply about my rating 😬. In the next 1-1 I asked my manager how I was doing. I needed the evaluation to contextualize the coaching.

Now that we understand the three forms of feedback, let’s explore the triggers that can get in the way of us, and our employees, hearing the feedback.

Triggers That Get In the Way of Feedback

We’re all generally pretty good at receiving positive feedback. It might feel awkward, sure, but it doesn’t cause a problem.

It’s the “constructive” feedback – coaching – that causes most of us problems.

There are three triggers that block us from truly hearing feedback from others; they’re called truth, identity, and relationship.

Let’s look at each trigger in turn.

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Truth Trigger

In a truth trigger we react to the content of the feedback. We feel like it’s incorrect. It doesn’t reconcile with how we see the world. We dismiss it out of hand. We assume they don’t have the whole story or all the facts.

If your boss tells you that your report lacks detail. You think of all the details you did include and conclude that your boss is incorrect. That’s a truth trigger.

The tendency here is to argue or dismiss the feedback instead of trying to hear what is true.

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Identity Trigger

In an identity trigger we react because it affects our sense of self. For the feedback to be true it would have to violate some part of our identity. These threaten our core self concepts.

We identify ourselves as having a strong work ethic, and someone tells us we’ve been slacking off lately. That’s an identity trigger.

We identify ourselves as good drivers, and someone honks and flips us off. That’s an identity trigger.

Since our identity is so deep it’s very difficult to hear the feedback. Acknowledging the feedback would also require us to unravel our sense of self.

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Relationship Trigger

In a relationship trigger we react because of how we feel about the other person. We can reject the feedback entirely because we don’t have a strong relationship with the person giving it.

When a new coworker gives you feedback on your report, you dismiss it because they don’t understand how things are done around here. That’s a relationship trigger.

That guy you hate in another department just responded in Slack with some feedback about your project recommendations. You fume because that guy is always getting in your way. You don’t even truly read the content of his feedback. That’s a relationship trigger.

Relationship triggers make you blind to the merits of the feedback. You’re not reacting to the feedback, you’re reacting to the person giving it.

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What To Do About Triggers

The three triggers are important to be aware of because they prevent us from being present in feedback conversations. Our defenses go up and we stop listening. We stop being constructive.

The goal is to recognize that the triggers are happening so you can get conscious. As a receiver of feedback, there may be something really important to your growth that you don’t want to miss. As a giver of feedback, you need to be aware when your feedback isn’t getting through.

Some things you can do to work through the triggers:

Seek Clarification – Don’t assume you’re right. Ask the other person what they saw. Ask them for more detail. Ask for examples to help you.

Practice Self-Compassion – Recognize that everyone has strengths and weaknesses. Feedback is not about your worth, it’s just a perspective meant to help you grow. Be kind to yourself to get in the headspace to hear feedback.

Keep Your Identity Small – I’m stealing this from Paul Graham’s essay of the same name. The more things you identify with, the more things there are for feedback to trip over.

Separate the Feedback from the Person – Work to separate who is giving feedback from what the feedback is. Write the feedback down on paper to physically create separation. If you look at the words objectively, is there anything helpful in there?

You Just Have to Understand, Not Agree – Your goal in receiving feedback is to understand it. You’re under no obligation to agree with it or act on it. Get curious and ask questions until you understand it.

Call to Action

Think about your relationships at work. Have you been deficient on any of the three dimensions of feedback?

Use your next conversation to shore that up. Give appreciation if it’s been missing. If it’s been a while since you’ve given evaluation, make space for that.

Giving and receiving feedback is a skill like any other. Work to improve your skill so you can improve yourself and those around you.

Good luck and have fun! Let me know how your conversations go. Did the model help? Is there anything you want to know more about? Email me at heykev@kevinnoble.xyz and let me know.

Kevin

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